Rich has admitted that sometimes he finds it hard tobelieve that fate let him fulfil his fantasy about pulling me!"Of all of you in the band, you. as Jess, were the one I always fancied,Ruth," He told me and I loved him all the more for it!My head was all over the place when I got off stage! My mind was awashwith memories, and I was buzzing from the thrill of playing as I huggedBeth. With a very uncharacteristic note of delight in her tone Bethlaughed into my ear, "We did it Jess, we fucking did it!"I pretty much dissolved into a giggle box twittering about how good itfelt to play together again and Kelly and Susan were not much better!The gig had been as amazing experience and I found myself asking myselfif we had to end it with just the three nights. During the sound checkwhen we were just jamming to let the sound engineer get the levels,Kelly, Beth and I had started to come up with a very interesting idea andall of a sudden doing it all over again did not seem like such a. I fumbled for the toilet seat, lifted it, undid my jeans, and pushed them down. Steadying myself on the wall, I sat, and let flow.My pee smelled and stung. I peed a lot. Dehydration. Drink water dummy.And then I was like, Why? I was supposed to be dead. Peace and quiet and dead. Why couldn't I be dead? I couldn't even kill myself successfully, not even with pills and a bridge to jump off of. Fuck, Fuck, FUCK. I felt tears tickle the corners of my eyes. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want anything. What I wanted was nothing, or really, nothingness. I just wanted everything to be over.Sniffling, I wiped, pulled up my pants, flushed, and turned to the sink. Dixie cups, in a little dispenser. It was like I was a little girl again, playing with the Dixie cups in the bathroom and "slubbing" in the sink. Mamma!Mamma. Crap.I filled a little cup with water and drank, filled it again, drank again, and forced myself to fill it a third time and drank. I put the cup down, dried my hands, and left.
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